[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
[upbeat rock music]
*
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight."
Thank you so much for joining us.
I'm John Oliver.
Just time for a quick recap of the week.
And we begin with Egypt,
or, as ISIS calls it, next.
[laughter]
Egypt is currently in the throes of a serious economic crisis,
and their leader, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi,
has not been handling it well.
In fact, just a couple of weeks ago,
he unveiled a new public housing complex,
which should have been great news,
but he didn't strike a particularly appropriate tone.
woman: Abdel Fattah el-Sisi
arrived on a red carpet that stretched over two miles.
[laughter]
Soon after the extravagant arrival,
el-Sisi made a speech about cutting government subsidies,
claiming the state could not continue to subsidize
water and electricity.
- Wow.
[laughter]
Strutting down a red carpet,
which reportedly cost $200,000,
on the very day you plan to tell people
to use less water.
The only less sensitive way he could have arrived
was via log flume.
[laughter]
So--so this week, el-Sisi tried again
to boost Egypt's economic spirits
by launching a new development strategy
called "Vision 2030,"
which frankly wasn't ideal,
as that name is already synonymous
with vision being not quite perfect.
[laughter]
And wait until you hear
some of the details of the plan.
man: We are a nation of 90 million.
Just think about it.
If only 10 million of us wake up every day
and they donate by SMS one Egyptian pound--
just one for the sake of this homeland--
that's 10 million pound a day.
- Yes, part of el-Sisi's solution was,
"Hey, why don't you text me money?"
[laughter]
He's begging for public support
the way Paula Deen begs people
to keep her on "Dancing with the Stars."
[laughter]
Although I will admit
his plan nearly had one very intriguing option.
- Okay, then.
Selling yourself for the country.
You are pitching an amazing sequel
to "Indecent Proposal."
"A man tries to save his country the hard way."
And credit here to the Egyptian people
who channeled their anger
into setting up an eBay page
offering the sale of a used field marshal
in decent condition,
which honestly wouldn't be the dumbest thing
ever to be sold on eBay.
After all, last month, some idiot paid $106
for possibly the largest Raisin Bran flakes in the world.
And let me just say,
that idiot is very happy with his purchase.
[laughter and applause]
But--thank you. Thank you.
But with all-- with all the turmoil
Egypt is in at the moment,
what el-Sisi needed to do
was reassure the country he had everything under control.
But again, I am not sure he struck the right tone.
[laughter]
- "Don't listen to anyone but me.
I'm serious."
It is not good when your country's leader
sounds like a frightened substitute teacher.
[laughter]
And just like a substitute teacher,
you have a feeling that el-Sisi is going to be replaced
very, very soon.
But let's move on to Guantanamo Bay:
the Hotel California of prisons
in that you can never leave,
and, like that album, it is a permanent stain
on America's reputation.
The president unveiled what he claimed
was a major new plan this week.
- Today the department is submitting to Congress
our plan for finally closing
the facility at Guantanamo once and for all.
I don't want to pass this problem
on to the next president, whoever it is.
- That's a laudable goal.
Guantanamo is like a 37-year-old
who's still trying to be a singer-songwriter.
It's time someone shot that down.
You can't just pass the problem on to his next girlfriend,
whoever she is.
But if the president's speech sounded familiar at all to you,
it may be because he signed an executive order
just two days after taking office
to close Guantanamo,
and look at him back then, so young, so hopeful,
like a boy band in the '90s
signing their first record contract
while Lou Pearlman salivates nearby.
[laughter]
And year after year, he has made the same promise.
- I have ordered the prison at Guantanamo Bay closed
by early next year.
Make no mistake,
we will close Guantanamo prison.
I still want to close Guantanamo.
As president, I have tried to close GTMO.
I will continue to push to close GTMO.
It's time to close GTMO.
That's why I will keep working
to shut down the prison at Guantanamo.
- Holy shit! [laughter]
Just look at him then and now.
The president and Guantanamo Bay
are aging together like the couple from "Up."
And it's starting to seem like Obama
might be the wife who dies first.
But I hope--
I hope the president does not think
the seventh year is going to be the charm,
because the Republican leadership's stance
can best be summed up
by a video Senator Pat Roberts released.
- This is what I think of the president's plan
to send terrorists to the United States.
[laughter]
- Okay--okay, well, first, sick shot.
[laughter]
Although technically, that could mean you think
the president's plan is "nothing but net,"
so maybe work on your messaging.
But the law is actually on Senator Roberts' side.
In 2010, Congress banned the use of federal money
to bring detainees into the country,
and just three months ago,
they tightened those restrictions.
So the president's speech this week
was pretty much a symbolic gesture,
like saying, "Let me help you with the dishes,"
at the end of a party.
If you hand me a sponge,
I swear to fucking God
I'm never coming back to your apartment.
[laughter]
And while the president's determination
to get this done is admirable,
you have to wish that he'd thought this closure through
more fully in the first place,
because the lack of a concrete plan
was painfully obvious from the very day
he signed that executive order.
- Guantanamo will be closed
no later than one year from now.
We will be--
Uh, is there a separate, um, executive order, Greg,
with respect to how we're gonna dispose
of the detainees?
Is that, uh, written--
Greg: Set up a process.
- We will be setting up a process
whereby this is gonna be taking place.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Who the fuck is Greg? [laughter]
And why are you asking him now?
I have to say, when it comes to dashed presidential promises,
President Obama's "Mission Accomplished"
might just be, "You got this, Greg, right?
Greg's got it."
And now this.
[triumphant music]
- Everybody knows the president's
a very good basketball player.
I would emphasize to the president to bounce the--
bouncing the ball to him on a--
just a bounce pass and say, "Your ball, Mr. President.
Ball's in your court."
He would probably go to the left corner
and sink a three at about that time.
I would probably be dribbling a lot...
or trying to.
And then after I shot and missed it,
and I'd say, "Your ball again, Mr. President."
By that time, the president has scored a couple of layups
and two more jump shots.
By that time, the president
probably stole the ball and scored another layup.
I'm still on my second shot on the free shot.
By the way, I just scored a hook shot, Mr. President.
That's the end of the ball game.
But it is not the end of the debate.
[laughter]
- Moving on, our main story tonight--
and I cannot believe I'm saying this--
is Donald Trump.
And I say that-- I say that knowing
that every time his name is said out loud,
he has a shattering orgasm.
And look--look,
we have mostly ignored Trump on this show,
but he has now won three states,
has been endorsed by Chris Christie,
and polls show him leading most Super Tuesday states,
which is a big deal.
Since 1988, every candidate
who's won the most states on Super Tuesday
went on to become their party's nominee.
So at this point, Donald Trump
is America's back mole.
It may have seemed harmless a year ago,
but now that it's gotten frighteningly bigger,
it is no longer wise to ignore it.
And I do understand
why Trump's supporters might like him.
He's unpredictable and entertaining.
Just look how he went after Marco Rubio on Friday.
- Did you ever see a guy sweat like this?
It's Rubio!
[crowd cheering]
That's what he--
[laughter]
- That's objectively funny...
[laughter]
Just as it was funny
when a few years ago, he Tweeted,
"I would like to extend my best wishes to all,
"even the haters and losers,
on this special date, September the 11th."
He wished haters and losers a happy 9/11.
[laughter]
There is a part of me
that even likes this guy.
It's a part of me I hate, but it is a part of me.
And if you are someone who's sick of the party establishment,
he might seem like a protest candidate
with some attractive qualities.
- We like him. He tells it like it is.
- He says what he means.
I-I honestly believe he's telling the truth.
- He's funding his own campaign.
Nobody owns him.
- He's aggressive, and he's strong,
and he's bold.
- I think he's an incredible businessman.
If he runs the country like he runs
his organization,
we would be in good shape.
- Donald Trump can seem appealing
until you take a closer look,
much like the lunch buffet at a strip club
or the NFL or having a pet chimpanzee.
Sure, it seems fun,
but someday, Koko's gonna tear your fucking limbs off.
[laughter]
Because let's look at each of those qualities
those people listed.
First, he tells it like it is.
Does he?
Because the website PolitiFact
checked 77 of his statements
and rated 76% of them
as varying degrees of false.
And I've witnessed this firsthand.
He once attacked my old boss by tweeting,
"If Jon Stewart is so above it all and legit,
"why did he change his name from Jonathan Leibowitz?
He should be proud of his heritage!"
And then two years later wrote,
"I never attacked dopey Jon Stewart
"for his phony last name.
Would never do that!"
And then just last year,
he claimed falsely to have turned down an invite
to appear on this "very boring" show, and--
and who's he trying to impress with that lie?
Our show's guests include sloths and puppies.
[laughter]
We're basically a petting zoo with a desk.
But--but when we pointed out that he had never been invited,
this is how he responded.
Trump: All of a sudden, I see people saying
that John Oliver-- and I'm saying, "John Oliver?"
And I checked with my people.
He asked me to be on the show four or five times.
And I-I don't even hardly know who he was.
I wouldn't know what he looks like.
- Well, look, first--first,
I wouldn't expect him to know who I was,
although for his inevitable angry tweet about this segment,
I'll tell him what I look like.
I look like a nearsighted parrot who works at a bank.
But--but secondly--secondly,
it was genuinely destabilizing
to be on the receiving end of a lie that confident.
I even checked to make sure
that no one had even accidentally invited him.
And of course they hadn't.
And--and I'm not even sure he knows he's lying.
I think he just doesn't care about what the truth is.
Donald Trump views the truth like this lemur
views the Supreme Court vacancy.
"I don't care about that in any way.
Please fuck off. I have a banana."
[laughter]
So--so let's move on.
Let's move on to his next silly point,
that he is truly independent
and not beholden to anyone, or, as he puts it...
- I'm self-funding my campaign. I tell the truth--
- How much have you spent so far?
- Probably $20 million, $25 million.
- Okay, let's break that down.
First, "I'm rich, therefore I tell the truth,"
has the same internal logic as,
"I'm a vegan, therefore I know karate."
There is no cause and effect between those two,
and the correlation usually goes the other way.
And--and while it is true
that he hasn't taken corporate money,
the implication that he has personally spent
$20 million to $25 million is a bit of a stretch,
because what he's actually done
is loaned his own campaign
$17 1/2 million
and has just personally given
just $250,000.
And that's important,
because up until the convention,
he can pay himself back for the loan
with campaign funds.
And if you don't think there's a significant difference
between a gift and a loan,
try giving your spouse an anniversary loan
and see how that goes.
[laughter]
And even he himself sometimes admits
that his campaign is by no means
completely self-funded.
- I'm self-funding my campaign,
other than the little, tiny ones
where they send in-- you know, women send in--
we had a woman-- $7.59.
What do you do? How can you send the money back?
You know, it's a nice-- it's cute.
It's beautiful.
They feel invested in your campaign.
- He makes it sound like women
are stuffing grimy dollar bills in envelopes,
writing "Donald Trump" on the front,
and he's just too kind to send them back.
But he's taken in $7 1/2 million
in individual contributions.
And if he didn't want it,
maybe he shouldn't have had two "donate" buttons
on his website,
because money isn't unsolicited
when you have to ask for someone's
credit card expiration date to receive it.
Okay, so--so how about the claim that he is tough?
Well, again, I'm not sure about that,
because for a tough guy, he has incredibly thin skin.
Back in 1988, "Spy" magazine
called him a "short-fingered vulgarian."
And ever since, the editor, Graydon Carter,
says he receives envelopes from Trump,
always with a photo on which he's circled his hand
to highlight the length of his fingers,
usually with a note reading, "See, not so short!"
[laughter] And look, look.
His fingers seem fine.
But the very fact he's so sensitive about them
is absolutely hilarious,
as is the fact that those notes
were apparently written in gold Sharpie,
which is so quintessentially Donald Trump,
something that gives the passing appearance of wealth
but is actually just a cheap tool.
Now--now, Trump's-- [cheers and applause]
Trump's signature tough talk--
his signature tough talk
often involves lawsuits.
He loves to threaten to sue people,
like he did with Rosie O'Donnell.
- She said I was bankrupt.
I never went bankrupt.
So probably I'll sue her,
because it would be fun.
I'd like to take some money
out of her fat-ass pockets.
- Well, look, look.
Look, of course-- of course he needs
to take Rosie O'Donnell to court
to take money out of her pockets,
because his tiny, tiny fingers
are too short to reach into her wallet.
But--but he never sued her.
He never sued Rosie O'Donnell.
In fact, he's repeatedly threatened people with lawsuits
and not followed through,
including the rapper Mac Miller,
Lawrence O'Donnell, "Vanity Fair,"
and an activist who launched a petition
for Macy's to drop Trump's products.
"I'll sue you" is Trump's version of "bazinga."
It doesn't really mean anything,
but he says it all the time.
But perhaps Trump's biggest selling point as a candidate
is his success.
And where could people get that idea from?
- I'm really rich.
I actually think I have the best temperament.
People love me, and you know what?
I've been very successful.
Everybody loves me.
I went to an Ivy League school.
I'm very highly educated.
I know words. I have the best words.
[laughter and applause]
- Oh, please.
Literally the biggest word
in the sentence "I have the best words"
is the word "words."
[laughter]
But it's worth noting
while, yes, he has made more money
than most of us will make in a lifetime,
not only did he get a multimillion-dollar
inheritance from his father,
but he's also lost a huge amount.
And this is where we need to be careful,
because as we've learned, he will--
he will threaten to sue your fat-ass pockets
with his cocktail sausage fingers
if you talk about his company's bankruptcies.
So I will just let his own daughter
describe the state of his finances
at one point in his life.
Ivanka: I remember once my father and I
were walking down 5th Avenue,
and there was a homeless person sitting, um--
sitting right outside of Trump Tower.
And I remember my father pointing to him and saying,
"You know, that guy has $8 billion more than me,"
because he was in such extreme debt at that point, you know?
- And that really shows you
the indomitable spirit of Donald Trump--
to fall to his lowest point
and in that very moment still find a way
to be kind of a dick to a homeless guy.
Now--now, his campaign
claims his current worth is in excess of $10 billion.
And they've written it in all caps,
so it must be true.
But others have disputed that figure.
In fact, a book once suggested that Trump might be worth
a mere $150 million to $250 million,
which Trump protested by suing the writer
for $5 billion,
which is a pretty roundabout way
of getting half the way to $10 billion.
And you should know, for the record,
Trump lost that lawsuit twice.
But I am glad that he sued,
if only because during the deposition,
he explained that his estimate of his net worth fluctuates
based on, and I quote,
"Feelings, even my own feelings,
and that can change rapidly from day to day."
Think about that.
He claimed that his net worth
changes depending on his mood,
which makes absolutely no sense,
partly because he always seems to be in the same mood--
specifically, smug yet gassy.
[laughter]
And--and interestingly-- interestingly,
a significant portion of his self-valuation
is intangible.
- His brand is what he values very much.
And he--on his disclosure form that he's released,
it's about $3 billion.
That's what he values his brand as.
- Exactly, he values his own name
at $3 billion.
And I am not saying a name can't have value.
It's why people will pay $120 for a plain white T-shirt
that is "designed" by Kanye West.
[laughter]
They don't want just any white T-shirt.
They want one designed by a bored sociopath
with a finger-free anus.
But--but $3 billion seems a bit high,
especially because while Trump has said,
"If I put my name on something, you know it's gonna be good,"
over the years, his name has been on some things
that have arguably been very un-good,
including Trump Shuttle, which no longer exists;
Trump Vodka, which was discontinued;
"Trump Magazine," which folded;
"Trump World" magazine, which also folded;
Trump University, over which he's being sued;
and, of course, the travel booking site gotrump.com,
whose brief existence was, I imagine,
a real thorn in the side of anyone hoping gotrump.com
featured a single thing worth masturbating to.
[applause]
And that's not even mentioning this.
- When it comes to great steaks,
I've just raised the stakes.
Trump Steaks are the world's greatest steaks,
and I mean that in every sense of the word.
And The Sharper Image is the only store
where you can buy them.
- And not only can you not buy those steaks anymore,
but why did he sell them at The Sharper Image?
That is a weird choice.
"I will take a massage chair,
"an indoor waterfall,
and 8 1/2 pounds of the finest meat in America."
And sure, every business executive
is bound to have a few missteps.
But Trump's lack of sound financial instincts
is perhaps best exemplified
by the business that he put his name on
back in 2006,
just before the entire housing market collapsed.
- I think it's a great time to start a mortgage company.
We're gonna have a great company.
It's Trump Mortgage and trumpmortgage.com.
And it's gonna be a terrific company.
- Yeah, it wasn't.
In fact--in fact, starting a mortgage company in 2006
was one of the worst decisions you could possibly make.
But I guess you can convince yourself it was a good idea
when you say 30 words
and 5 of them are "great," "great," "terrific,"
"Trump," and "Trump."
And you might say, "Well, never mind side businesses.
What he really is is a builder."
But a building with "Trump" written on it
is not necessarily owned by him.
He may have just licensed his name to them,
something he claims is actually "better than ownership."
"You don't put up money.
You don't put up anything."
Spoken like a true builder.
And--and some of those licensed buildings
sell his reputation hard,
like the sales video for the Trump Ocean Resort
in northern Mexico.
- I'm very, very proud of the fact
that when I build, I have investors
that follow me all over.
People ask me, "What does Trump stand for
more than anything else?"
And if I use one word, it's always "quality."
- Right, but it's easy to throw around the word "quality."
Have you ever stayed at a Quality Inn?
The pillows are stuffed with hair
they fished out of the bathtub drain.
Now, he was never the builder for that project,
which was later abandoned, leaving would-be condo buyers
like William Flint, who lost $168,000,
feeling understandably betrayed.
- Donald Trump was an expert in these types of projects,
or so we thought.
woman: In a deposition for a lawsuit
regarding the property,
Trump's son, Donald Trump Jr.,
conceded that the Trump brand
could lead people to think a project
was a solid investment.
man: There's one of things
that you've learned through this process
is that the Trump name brings stability
and--or viability to the project.
- I don't know if it brings stability or viability,
but I imagine certain people feel that.
- And that might actually be the most honest slogan
for the Trump campaign:
"Trump 2016: I Don't Know if it Brings Stability or Viability,
But I Imagine Certain People Feel That."
[cheers and applause]
Now, not only--
not only did investors in that property sue Donald Trump.
They also did in Trump Tower Tampa,
another project that never got off the ground.
And in both cases, Trump characteristically
deflected blame onto the developers.
And you would think
those investors would be facing an impossible legal battle,
given Trump's "tough talk."
- When I get sued, I take it right--all--
just take it all the way.
You know what happens?
If you settle suits, you get sued more.
It's true.
I don't settle anything. I don't settle.
- Guess what. He settled both those cases.
But the problem is,
even when you can demonstrably prove Trump to be wrong,
it somehow never seems to matter.
You can hold his feet to the fire,
but he'll just stand there on the stumps
bragging about his fireproof foot skin.
[laughter]
And that may be because
he has spent decades turning his own name
into a brand synonymous with success and quality.
And he's made himself the mascot for that brand,
like Ronald McDonald or Chef Boyardee.
And that is who we have seen
in "The Apprentice" or "WrestleMania"
or "Home Alone 2."
But if he's actually going to be the Republican nominee,
it's time to stop thinking of the mascot
and start thinking of the man,
'cause a candidate for president
needs a coherent set of policies.
Whatever you think about Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz,
at least you basically know where they stand.
But Trump's opinions have been wildly inconsistent.
He's been pro-choice and pro-life,
for and against assault weapon bans,
in favor of both bringing in Syrian refugees
and deporting them out of the country.
And that inconsistency can be troubling.
Just this morning, for instance,
he was asked about the fact that David Duke,
former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan,
had told supporters to vote for him.
And this was his answer.
- Will you unequivocally condemn David Duke
and say that you don't want his vote
or that of other white supremacists
in this election?
- Well, just so you understand,
I don't know anything about David Duke, okay?
I don't know anything about what you're even talking about
with white supremacy or white supremacists.
Honestly, I don't know David Duke.
I don't believe I've ever met him.
I'm pretty sure I didn't meet him.
And I just don't know anything about him.
- Really? That's your best answer there?
Because you definitely know who he is,
partly 'cause you called him a bigot and a racist
in the past.
But that's not even the fucking point.
The point is, with an answer like that,
you are either racist, or you are pretending to be,
and at some point, there is no difference there.
And sure, he disavowed David Duke later in the day.
But the scary thing is,
we have no way of knowing
which of his inconsistent views he will hold in office.
Will he stand by his statement
that vaccines are linked to autism
or his belief that Mexico is sending us rapists?
Oh, and what about that plan he had to defeat ISIS?
Trump: We're fighting a very politically correct war.
- But we see that happening--
Trump: And the other thing is, with the terrorists,
you have to take out their families.
When you get these terrorists,
you have to take out their families.
They--they care about their lives.
Don't kid yourself. - Mr. Trump--
Trump: But they say they don't care about their lives.
You have to take out their families.
- That is the front-runner for the Republican nomination
advocating a war crime.
And he might say he was joking
or he's changed his mind about any of these things.
And private individuals are allowed to change their minds.
We all do it.
But when he's sworn in as president
on January 20, 2017,
on that day, his opinions are going to matter.
And you will remember that date,
'cause it's the one that time travelers from the future
will come back to to try and stop
the whole thing from happening.
[cheers and applause]
And listen, I get--
I get that the character of Donald Trump
is entertaining and that he says things
that people want to hear.
And I know his very name is powerful.
Just listen to this one supporter
explain what it means to her.
- I was a little girl. - Yeah.
- I didn't even know what Trump Towers were,
but I knew that he was a wealthy, successful man.
- Somehow, like, there was a--
even as a very young kid,
the word "Trump" sort of meant "rich."
- It meant "success."
- She's not even wrong. "Trump" does sound rich.
It's almost onomatopoeic.
"Trump."
It's the sound produced when a mouthy servant
is slapped across the face
with a wad of $1,000 bills.
"Trump."
It's the sound of a cork popping
on a couple's champagne-iversary,
the date renovations in the wine cellar
were finally completed.
The very name Trump is the cornerstone of his brand.
If only there were a way to uncouple that magical word
from the man he really is.
Well, guess what. There is.
Because it turns out the name Trump
was not always his family's name.
One biographer found that a prescient ancestor
had changed it from-- and this is true--Drumpf.
Yes, fucking Drumpf.
And Drumpf is much less magical.
It's the sound produced when a morbidly obese pigeon
flies into the window of a foreclosed Old Navy.
"Drumpf."
It's the sound of a bottle of store-brand root beer
falling off the shelf in a gas station mini-mart.
And it may seem weird to bring up his ancestral name,
but to quote Donald Trump,
"he should be proud of his heritage."
Because Drumpf is much more reflective
of who he actually is.
So if you are thinking of voting for Donald Trump,
the charismatic guy promising to make America great again,
stop and take a moment to imagine how you would feel
if you just met a guy named Donald Drumpf...
[laughter]
A litigious serial liar
with a string of broken business ventures
and the support of a former Klan leader
who he can't decide whether or not to condemn.
Would you think he would make a good president,
or is the spell now somewhat broken?
And that is why tonight I am asking America
to make Donald "Drumpf" again.
We've actually filed paperwork
to trademark the name Drumpf.
And incidentally, when we own it,
I will have the best word.
[laughter]
And if you go to donaldjdrumpf.com,
which we own, you can download
a Drumpfinator Chrome extension
which will replace the word "Trump"
with "Drumpf" wherever it appears in your browser.
And you can also buy these
"Make Donald Drumpf Again" hats,
which we are selling at cost,
meaning we've chosen not to make a profit,
a fact which will probably irritate Mr. Drumpf
more than anything else I've said tonight.
And if you're thinking, "Well, that's all great,
"but I wish there was a new campaign anthem
for Donald Drumpf," well, here it is now.
Here it is right now, because listen...
man: * Donald Drumpf, Donald Drumpf *
- We cannot keep getting blinded
by the magic of his name.
We need to see him through fresh eyes,
so please don't think of him as Donald Trump.
Think of him as something else.
man: * Donald Drumpf, Donald Drumpf *
- And don't vote for him 'cause he tells it like it is.
He's a bullshit artist.
Don't vote for him 'cause he's tough.
He's a baby with even smaller fingers.
Don't vote him because he's a builder.
He's more of a shitty lifestyle brand.
[cheers and applause]
And that is our show.
Mr. Drumpf, I await your lawsuit in the morning.
I have no doubt the complaint will be signed
in gold Sharpie.
Good night.
[cheers and applause]
man: * Donald Drumpf, Donald Drumpf *
* Donald Drumpf, Donald Drumpf *
*
[bright tone]